A COLLECTION OF MY AWKWARD MOMENTS

generally mistook a sheep for a cow and a goat

yes i am this stupid

at work tonight

i asked a customer if they would like “a glass and ass with their drink” instead of glass and ice. he now thinks im gay

eating shit loads of haribo to stay awake on the trains, forgetting one is sour and eating it in front of a chinese person, then pulling a face at them….awkward

getting on the train back home

and i was searching for my seat i reserved, looked at my seat and in between my seat was another seat with a nun sitting on it, i look down to my ticket and see the number of the seat was 69 and immediately make a joke about it, she was not pleased…you may not believe me but this truly happened, its like my fate is to have ridiculous moments to make awkward! 

did a risky trip

from the room to the shared bathrooms in my boxers at my halls of residence at uni. been quiet all night then at 2am when i decide to go, thats the one time  a chinese man walks right past so i just act casual and poker face the walk past…

a fair few weeks back

i was wearing a banana suit at a uni dj night, some gay guy hits on me saying “nice banana” i just said cheers and walked off to the bar

went to the post office

and bought an envelope to put an application form in to send, all was going well until i licked the envelope to be stuck down and noticed it wouldnt stay down. After continuously licking it trying to stick it down for 30 minutes i say to the guy that i cant do it, he just looks at me like a retard and peels off a bit, revealing that its a peel back selotape and starts laughing at me…

strangely enough

after the shower incedent, i couldnt walk on that leg so I had to do my first ever ukulele singing gig sitting down, which was an odd experience involving 10 drunken people singing along and a woman of about 68 clapping along to “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D

a few months back now, the lads in my section of halls were playing loads of pranks. I innocently went to the shower, and after a while i could hear sniggering, i looked at the door and could see the lock slowly turning. Knowing full well they were gonna throw a skanky sausage at me (quite literally) i ran out of the shower but completely slipped as if i stood on a banana skin. The first thing i hear from through the door is “Linford, are you alive?”…strangely a sentence I hear far too often